One Buddhist in a household

SGI is totally unlike other Buddhist sects. It does not have a priesthood. Nobody wears old-style robes and lives on alms. There are no temples. SGI was formed, initially, as a lay offshoot of NSA(Nichiren Shoshu Association), and split off in the 90’s to become something entirely new. It’s just all about people, ordinary people, who are SGI Buddhists. This means that the attitude of the religion is different. We have mentors and students, typically more experienced people helping less experienced ones learn about Nichiren Buddhism and its practices. But there is no top-down structure in which a hierarchy tells people what to do. Even the current president of SGI, Daisaku Ideda, refers to himself as a mentor. This means that the influence of individuals is about all there is to keep the religion going.

A single SGI member in a household has a more difficult situation than one where two spouses are both members. Spouses are the most important person for most marriages. With only one member, there is no mutual reinforcement of SGI theory and practice, and instead of the inspiration of practicing together, practice is exclusionary, making a difference between the two spouses. Of course, marriages are full of differences, i.e., reasons why the couples spend time apart, doing different things. In the single-Buddhist household, religion is yet another separate activity. This makes the practice harder, and it serves as yet another difference between the spouses. Often there are too few common areas, times when both can do something together, enjoying the activity as well as each other’s company. Having yet another non-common one, especially in an area as important as religion, is unfortunate.

SGI activities are another split-time problem. One spouse goes off to do an activity, leaving the other at home with separate time. Clearly the pressure builds to do less, so that there is more couple time. Couple-together time is very important to continue a marriage as a good value, yet activities detract from that. Rather than there being a common bond, there is a dividing line. It would be very nice if each of the spouses respected the other’s beliefs, and supported their activities, much like if two spouses enjoyed different sports, but were interested enough in the preferred sports of the other spouse to discuss them and appreciate the other spouse’s interests.

Religion isn’t like a sport, however. SGI tells us that our role is to seek our own happiness, and then to seek that of others, by helping them understand Buddhism and to use its beliefs for their own lives. In a marriage, this doesn’t translate to listening to the other spouse talk about his or her own religion and supporting it to the fullest. Virtually every religion has a façade of tolerance, hiding an evangelical goal. To put it bluntly, if a spouse believes that their own religion is the answer to life’s questions, and they invest their own beliefs in it, they would naturally want the person they care about the most, hopefully their spouse, to fully enjoy and appreciate it as well.

Does this mean the one-Buddhist household is doomed to problems and dissatisfaction? The key to avoiding this is to practice tolerance, of course, but even more than tolerance. Remember that Buddha explained about expedient teaching – which is what ordinary people need to appreciate and absorb his understandings. Other religions should be regarded as expedient learning, perhaps steps on the pathway to deeper understanding, or perhaps the furthest step that a particular person can take. When a person grows up embedded in an expedient religion, it may be completely impossible to disentangle their feelings and thoughts from it. Thus, the Buddhist spouse should simply wait and hope, and when appropriate, gently explain the similarities and differences between Buddhism and the religion of the spouse.

Shaka-buku is the Japanese term used for conversion, and is especially prominent in SGI writings. It is considered an important goal for all members. However, over this is personal happiness. Shaka-buku should never be a means of harming the marriage, or of upsetting the spouse. Shaka-buku must take its place behind the goals of maintaining the good atmosphere of the marriage and of aiding and promoting the happiness of the spouse. These priorities are not often spelled out in SGI writings, but they become obvious when thinking about the one-Buddhist household.